Priceless Love Device
by Lady Valmar
Summary: A challenge to write a story involving Shep and Kay with a vibrator include the priceless ad at least three times along with some embarrassment. This is so wrong. I swear… It’s possibly worse than my Going Commando fic.


**A/N**: For crying out loud, I'm just beside myself with embarrassment. I can't believe I even wrote this. I should just delete this but here it is. Take it, enjoy it, hate it...whatever. Just please read the warning. I'm off to go knock some sense into me...

There's a slashy version on McShep Slash yahoo group (yg), StargateAtlantisSlash yg and Wraithbait yg if any of you are interested. It's preslash setting.

* * *

Title: Priceless Love Device 

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: Challenge-Humor

Rating: M (just in case)

Archive: FF, SGAHC

Spoilers: Season 2

Date: July 1, 2006

Summary: A challenge to write a story involving Shep and Kay with a vibrator include the priceless ad at least three times along with some embarrassment. This is so wrong. I swear… It's possibly worse than my Going Commando fic.

**Warnings: There is a borderline of slash in here but I guarantee it is not slash. Okay the priceless ad thing gets annoying but since it was part of the challenge oh well… Also I haven't had this beta-ed yet so I apologize for my more than likeyly painful abuse of grammar and spelling etc.**

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters. Please understand that flames and extremely rude comments will not be responded to and reported to fanfiction dot net or moderators etc.So stuff not owned by Stargate Atlantis is mine and therefore please ask and do not infringe nor steal my original themes, concepts, ideas or characters please.

**Challenge: Write a story involving Shep and Kay with a vibrator. Include that stupid Priceless ad for Mastercard or is it VISA? At least three times. Anyways…make sure to include some embarrassment.**

... **.LV.** ...

**Priceless Love Device**

By _Lady Valmar

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_

**Song Inspiration**: Journey in Satchidananda by Alice Coltrane & Afrodisiac by Brandy

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Everybody knows you never come between a geek and his toys. Everybody. So why didn't Sheppard listen? 

Because he was intrigued with the device that he had found in his room. It was oblong and came with a controller that had several switches on it. It was also kind of glass blue.

It wasn't apparent what the function was to Rodney or Sheppard but after a hitting a switch or two and discovering it vibrated and did a few other things. Sheppard knew. Even if Rodney didn't.

It was a "toy".

For a woman.

Sheppard was beside himself with laughter as Rodney tried to come up with explanations for what it was.

"It's a some kind of massage device. Maybe the Ancients didn't need masseuses? Or maybe instead it was some kind of cooking utensil?"

"Come on… Cooking utensil?" roared Sheppard, with a wide grin on his face.

"Okay...a child's toy?" supplied Rodney, looking at Sheppardto see if he was right.

"Child's toy?" Sheppard shook his head, looking strange at Rodney.

"Fine!It could be um…a…a…"

"A woman's play toy?" suggested Sheppard, watching as Rodney stopped talking and slowly looked up.

* * *

**Probably a Vibrator used by an Ancient 10,000+ years ago** – $ unknown 

**Tools to make it work** - $200

**Bandage for injury due to hitting hand with a tool** - $20.00

**Expression on Rodney's face when Sheppard tells him it's a vibrator** – PRICELESS

* * *

"A WHAT?" 

"A vibrator and a dil.."

"Yes yes I know what that is," said Rodney, suddenly realizing he's holding it in his hands. Dropping it on his lab table Rodney ran off to wash his hands.

* * *

**Soap to wash hands** - $20.00 

**Antibacterial wipes** -$8.00

**Hand Lotion** - $50.00

**Realization that he just touched a vibrator** – PRICELESS

* * *

Sheppard eyed the toy and picked up the controller while waiting for Rodney to return. Flipping a switch by accident, he saw several bumbs surface on the vibrator then as he flipped the same switch they retracted. 

Curious now, he clicked another button and watched as the tip of the vibrator extended a smaller rounded tip out that, with the joystick looking thing on the controller, moved around.

He was highly amused with it. Playing around with the joystick for awhile he looked up to see Rodney coming back in, his face redder than the red on the Canadian flag.

"You okay? Hey look at this it moves," said Sheppard, moving the joystick to show Rodney.

Rodney glared. "Ha. Ha. Very funny Colonel. You could have warned me!"

"But what fun would that have been?"

"Hmprh!"

Sheppard pressed another button and jumped as something leapt the vibrator forward on the lab table. It was like it was on a spring or something. "That was interesting."

"No kidding," said Rodney, "What else does it do?"

Sheppard looked at Rodney, grinning profusely. "You wanna…" said Sheppard, handing the controller to Rodney.

"No…No…I'm fine…I…Okay."

Smirking, Sheppard pointed, "Try that weird looking clear one."

"I can't believe that the Ancients actually made this sort of thing. It's fascinating really," said Rodney, pressing the clear button.

"Fascinating…yeah," said Sheppard, waiting.

Suddenly the vibrator lit up. "Wow…"

"No kidding," said Sheppard, crossing his arms.

"What else does this thing do?" said Rodney, pressing another button.

Suddenly he saw a little gauge appear on the micro screen showing temperature settings. "You can make it warm?" said Rodney perplexed. "Why?"

"Really Rodney you don't know why?"

"I…OH…Of course I do. It was a Rhetorical question."

"Sure it was Rodney."

Rodney moved the gauge temperature up with a stylus in his pocket. "What now? Shouldn't it be hot now?"

"Well you wanna touch it to find out?" supplied Sheppard, smirking.

"NO! Hm…I wonder what this button does…" said Rodney, pressing a shiny silver one. "Huh?"

Suddenly the controlled sent out a beam that scanned Rodney. "What was that?"

"It looked like it scanned you," said Sheppard.

"Yes I know what it did. Why?"

'OWWW….MMMM….HARDER….OOWWWW….HARDER!' screamed the controller.

Both men jumped and looked at the controller. "Love noises? It's making love noises?" said Rodney, embarrassed.

"Love noises?" said Sheppard, shifting his weight around, as the female voice moaned suddenly loudly…BITE ME RODNEY…

Rodney looked around and his eyes grew big. "WHAT?"

"It just said your name…" said Sheppard, snorting.

"I know WHAT it sai…"

MORE…HARDER…DON'T STOP BAD BOY...OWW HARDER RODNEY...YES...YES...

Sheppard was roaring with laughter now. "Bad boy?"

"Yeah yeah…very amusing Colonel…" said Rodney, glaring at Sheppard, in between the moaning vocals. "Okay turn off now."

The only problem was it wouldn't turn off. No matter what he did it wouldn't turn off.

"I can't turn it off," said Rodney, frantically pushing buttons on the thing as he heard the devices own interpretation of what his 'moaning voice' would sound like. The frightening thing was...it was probably accurate too.

Sheppard backed up as the vibrator suddenly leapt off the lab table, began doing a techicolor light show and jumping, like a one of those Ferret ball toys, on the floor.

"Rodney? Okay…bad boy I think it's time to turn it off now," said Sheppard, feeling grossed out at hearing Rodney's possible noises.

"I'm trying it won't…I got it…Um…whoa…umm…" said Rodney, as his eyes widened.

"What?"

"I think…I…wow…that feels um…Is this really a woman's toy?" said Rodney, his eyes becoming heavily lidded.

Sheppard stared. "Rodney? That's what you said the translation said and Rodney what are you…" Sheppard froze dead in his tracks. He hadn't meant to. He really hadn't meant to but it was hard not to. The front of his friend's pants were tented.

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**Controller for Ancient Vibrator**: $ unknown 

**BDUs**: $60.00

**Stylus**: $ 20.00

**Hearing your friend's possible love noises and accidentally seeing his 'excitement':** PRICELESS

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"WOW…That feels great. It's like…a…a…" 

"A vibrator?" said Sheppard, backing towards the exit, a look of horror on his face.

"Yeah…or…a…hm…ow! Darn it what happened?" asked Rodney, shaking the controller, as suddenly the pleasant feeling disappeared. "That was frustrating."

"Uh…"

"Hey I wonder what this button does," said Rodney, pushing a blue clear one.

Suddenly a gauge appeared and a list next to it.

"What?"

"It's some kind of a list. I think the translation is roughly…Rate your mate or something along those lines. Its got various areas to test the device on and it records the reaction of your partner and gives a list of techniques to use."

"Oh really?" said Sheppard, his eyebrows raised.

It was kind of interesting that Rodney had reverted to 'device' when it was really nothing more than a high tech vibrator.

"Yeah…hm…What's this?" said Rodney, tapping a button underneath a soft flap of synthetic feeling plastic.

To which the vibrator began promptly making clicking sounds and clouding the room in a thick sheet of yellow-white smoke. Both men raced to stop it.

* * *

Dr. Beckett strode over to both men restrained in beds next to each other. 

"OH John!"

"OH Rodney!" said Sheppard, grinning senselessly.

"Your so hot!" said Rodney right back.

"I know."

Beckett looked over their charts as Dr. Weir walked in. "How are they doing."

"Well in addition to the elevated levels of adrenaline and the fact that they keep blowing kisses at each other, they'll be fine. It was some kind of aphrodisiac that they inhaled from the looks of it. Though I'm surprised it worked so well on them."

Dr. Weir smirked as Rodney blew a kiss at Sheppard. To which Sheppard replied, "I just love your blue eyes Rodney…their so sensual!"

"Oh thank you John. I love yours."

"Thank you Bad boy."

Dr. Weir raised her eyebrows. "Do we know how long until we get the old McKay and Colonel back? And do we know what caused this in the first place?" said Dr. Weir, amusement in her voice.

"A day or two depending."

"John…I want you…"

"I know Rodney…"

Beckett grinned. "Well we can definitely say their getting along better."

"Yes we can."

"As for what did this. It's hard to say exactly but I think this device over here might have something to do with it."

"What is that?" said Elizabeth, eyeing the strange ooblong, clear blue thing. She knew what it was but she couldn't help it. Carson's face was turning red and fast.

Carson froze. "Uh…I'm not exactly sure how to explain this…" What should he say? That it was a vibrator designed by the ancients?

Before Carson could answer her both men shouted. "IT'S A LOVE TOY!"

* * *

**Restraints for Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard**: $300 

**Stuff used for the containment of the drug in Rodney's Lab**: $700

**Charts for patients**: approx. $30.00

**Expression on Carson's and Elizabeth's face when both men shout "It's a Love Toy"**: PRICELESS

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...**Bad boy**...

_Shaking my own head _Horrible...


End file.
